Judge, Jury, and Executioner

Journey of Growth: Embracing Imperfection and Compassion

“It's happened again. Someone's mentioned how I'm ‘perfect’ and someone else is being judged and being condemned for something … and it hits a trigger. It's a judgment thing. They're holding me up on a pedestal, tall and shaky thing to be sitting atop of and condemning someone else, kicking them in the dirt and judging their worth and writing them off there's just no hope for them.”

As long as we judge others, we judge self. As long as we judge self, we limit growth.

Let’s all get off our high horses! In fact, let’s stop putting others up on them, and particularly, let’s stop shoving people off of them and judging their worthiness. Just stop.

I wrote this in response to something someone put on my wall, condemning another human.

I do not share your views. I wish not to be included in anything that condemns ANYONE. Even if you think them the devil themselves! I vowed not to write my stories until I could tell them with compassion and understanding for EVERY character in my life. ESPECIALLY the 'spicy' ones. The difficult ones. The 'mean' ones, EVERY one of them. Stop telling MY story. Why would you do that? I understand the complexity of human nature PRECISELY because I HAVE pushed horses TOO FAR, TOO FAST, TOO HARD. Make no mistake - I WANTED personal glory! I let my desire to make a team dictate WAY TOO MUCH! Worse yet, I have been a shitty mother. Am I worth the skin I am in? Are people capable of change? Do we, as a society, VALUE people for producing consistent competitive results WAY TOO HIGHLY? I sure think so! Or... quite frankly, I would be dead. Have you not read anything I have written? 'Blood on My Hands'. I thought maybe I would have made a wave there. Lost a fan or changed a viewpoint. Hell, I quoted you in one of them! Thought we might have moved past this point in our relationship. Just STOP pedestalling people. Stop pedestalling ME. Stop pedestalling ANYONE! NO ONE deserves it ... or WANTS to be way up there, wobbling back and forth on their lonely pedestal, wondering when someone will see them for the imperfect being they are, and shove them off. Just stop. We are not all good or all bad. It's not how humans work. People learn. I learned a little while ago. Maybe he'll learn soon. Sure hope so!

We can never know.

In the meantime ... I will try to avoid perpetuating MORE of what I DON'T want to see in the world. It keeps this place sunny and fresh and it just FEELS good! THAT shit spreads! But not as insidiously as judgement and shame. Don't drag me along with you if you have ANYTHING negative to say, even if you are saying sweet things to me.

In this heartfelt episode, recorded in the serene Northern Ontario woods, I reflect on past mistakes influenced by ego and societal praise. I emphasize the impact of judgment and the unrealistic pedestal of perfection, focusing on the importance of compassion, self-awareness, and positive change.

Sharing personal experiences with horses, I reveal my journey towards better communication and humane treatment. I didn’t get here without blood on my hands. I owe horses A LOT.

Join this path of growth, understanding, and spreading knowledge.

Transcript below.

Take a chance,

Paige

00:00 Introduction and Setting the Scene

01:30 Reflections on Judgment and Perfection

02:21 Personal Anecdotes and Experiences

03:41 Lessons Learned and Moving Forward

06:24 A Call for Compassion and Improvement

07:04 Personal Transformation and Mentorship

08:26 Exploring New Communication Methods

10:11 Dreams of Spreading Horsecraft

11:18 Overcoming Fear of Judgment

13:05 Call to Action and Final Thoughts

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It's happened again. Someone's mentioned how I'm ‘perfect’ and someone else is being judged and being condemned for something … and it hits a trigger. It's a judgment thing. They're holding me up on a pedestal, tall and shaky thing to be sitting atop of and condemning someone else, kicking them in the dirt and judging their worth and writing them off there's just no hope for them.

That's the sound of geese. I'm in the Northern Ontario woods around a campfire under the moonlight and the stars and the open sky. Mid October in my shirt sleeves.

With a little cabin nearby. And a little pond. Miles from anyone.

I hear something moving in the bush.

Huh. Very cool.

Reflections on Judgment and Perfection

So yeah, about that judgment thing. Yeah, I went off. I want to have someone condemn someone else and associate my name with perfection right along beside it. It, I can't happen. At the same time, I'm trying to tell my story with absolute compassion for every character in it and understand my part in creating the situations that I was in and in owning my rather large imperfections.

Everything's just a little more than life size with me.

Personal Anecdotes and Experiences

At just about six foot one, yeah, there's no flying under the radar and I was I once heard myself described by a mentor of the most senior level in sport that there was, the F. E. I. Judges here freshly from Europe to Canada for the very first time at Checkmate.

And as he passed me, he said something to the effect of, Oh that's Paige Lockton. If you can't see her, you can most certainly always hear her. Of course, at the time I was sitting on top of my desk. Boyfriend's shoulders and he was six foot eight. And so I think we were 12 foot of people with me cackling and screaming to be let down and so Fair enough back to judgment I tend to digress but I am looking up at the stars by a fire and Back to the judgment thing and the button like I can't have someone going, Oh, you would never do this like this horrible person who shall be condemned and I'll write off forever.

Because, yeah, I did it. I overrode horses. I over asked.

Lessons Learned and Moving Forward

That's why I'm doing what I'm doing. It's maybe not the only why, but it certainly drives a lot of it. I owe them a lot. I really do. For ego driven pursuits because I got praise for doing it good. That's the only time I really got noticed and it's the only thing I was good at because I hung out with them night and day and I comforted them for my dad, who treated them as a veterinarian.

So they liked me. I knew how to make them stand still and tolerate what my dad had to do to make them feel better and communicate that it was for their best interest. And I can just, they just did stuff for me. Ah, and I did it while young and I look like an adult and I was raised by two, possibly, of the most exceptionally busy people, hard working people.

Ever meet in your life on both sides. And I got noticed when I was perfect with the ponies and rode well. And I fed off of that. I could not, there was not a mistake out there that I would own. There's there's no way, we would not own a mistake. And on the ponies and horses that I had, I could get away, I could get away with a lot.

They were phenomenal. They were amazing. And I asked a fuck ton of them. Ponies taught me, I had extraordinary ponies. that could jump against the horses, which is real piss off when a nine year old or ten year old is beating you. But I was the height of a full grown adult, so expectations were high. And I pushed horses harder than they ever should have been pushed, faster than they ever should have been asked to gallop and jump. more things all in a row, all in one day, and exert themselves far more than I ever should have. And they hurt themselves because of me.

And we're extraordinary. And the world deserves better than that. The horses deserve better than that.

A Call for Compassion and Improvement

And there are people doing better than that. And I would like to meet them and study them and practice with them, and learn and spread it. Because that feels right. And to my number one fan who thinks I can still do no wrong, and likes to criticize other people who shall be condemned because they were so horrible, and he'd tell me all kinds of horrible reasons why they were so horrible.

I don't want to hear any more horrible reasons why people are horrible. That's not my focus in life. And I want to focus on what I can do.

Personal Transformation and Mentorship

And I know people can change because I am. Because I only am because others have before me and I've met them and heard their stories and heard stories of others that are far more extraordinary than mine. And people are capable of extraordinary change from lives of actively harming others and themselves. To, and this translates to the riding doesn't matter whether it's a horse or a child or a wife or a girlfriend or a boyfriend or a husband or a son or daughter, it's all the same.

And and they've changed. I've been spending at least a good five years or more. Real hard for five, but probably. Actively since 2015. Searching out better ways to communicate and be than the ones that I knew. And I look to mentors like Carmen Theobald and Mustang Maddy and Warwick Schiller.

Don't say Warwick for fuck's sakes, not if you associate it with me. I taught you to say Warwick. Like you've got a mouth full of marbles. I would like to go spend time there. And meet him they do next year's, find out where they do next year's summit. I like to interview him and be interviewed by him and talk about what change and growth looks like and how hard it is to change from pure sort of pressure and release and tactics that are just honestly flooding their nervous system, whether you want to think they are or not, whether you want to think that's appropriate or not.

And sometimes it is. We'll get into that debate now. But there are people doing it without doing that for most things with horses. And, um, doing things like half pass without pressure and release, or bridle and saddle. Done some bareback dressage in the snow with a halter and lead rope that would have really impressed you.

I remember being pretty impressed myself, but I was much younger then. And Not that ambitious. Holy camoly. That's amazing.

Dreams of Spreading Horsecraft

So I would like to see that done and practice it and be taught it and spread it and just keep spreading the magic of horsecraft with a dream to go mobile and travel at a rate across the country that would be appropriate for a horse with a dream.

A partner or two. Thoroughbred and a mini. And doesn't a mini need a friend too for when the thoroughbred's doing its thing? I don't know. Maybe if, anyway. Think portable classroom in the back and when the horses aren't in it. You can set up a portable classroom in there, living quarters in the front, drive it down the road.

It's the magic. I bring the magic. Bring the music, help you understand your horse and spread what I learn and film it and document it.

Overcoming Fear of Judgment

That was a long way from the whole judgment thing, but the thing that's been holding me back from doing this, because I've been talking about it for a little while now, is the fear of judgment.

The fear that someone will find out that I hit a horse or pushed a horse too hard or my horse tied up. He tied up more than once. He tied up on me twice and kept going. I did five CCIs after that clear. And Yeah, so just the fear of being judged and taken down, making mistakes in front of others while you're telling them how to do it better?

It turns out that's a bad stupid old leadership model we don't have to worry about. That the whole paramilitary bullshit that we learned growing up and are being praised for. For me, it was either, the legs that went up to my armpits, haha. sex getting or riding good. There may be better ways to shape behavior than the ones that we were raised with, but we didn't know.

And in my case, I didn't know in time to not harm although not irretrievably damage my amazing resilience. beautiful human being children. But yeah, I didn't go through life doing no harm to get where I got. So, don't judge me. I won't judge you for where you're at in your journey. And at some point, I hope we find some points that we can agree on.

If this sort of thing resonates with you, then please, for God's sakes, share it. Because if you don't, I can't get sponsorship and actually spend the hours that I do doing this all the time and not make money anymore. I really, I need to make a living and you can help me do that so easily. It's fucking mind boggling.

You just have to subscribe, ideally, or press the share button or something, or tell a friend. And book a clinic. I'll bring the magic. Take a chance. And remember anything is possible together. That's the magic part